The last few months have been difficult... painful... growing. God has been asking me to condition some muscles that had not been used for a while. And here I am now, back in a lonely place, but finding that I have muscles that I didn't have before and I'm able to get through.
My days are dark, but not black. As before, I can almost always feel the presence of light, even if it is just a flicker. The hard part is to concentrate on the light, rather than feel consumed by the darkness.
Should we trust God? Any Christian knows the answer to that. But what if, when we are looking honestly in the mirror of our soul, we see that we don't trust him that much. Those low times, when life is dark and our souls ache and our heart is sick. What then? Do we lay down the battle of trust and say "I give up!"
I think... yes. We do. Perhaps it is there in the weariness of our soul, that God holds us and says "Yes, I know my dear child". It is there that we weep and find the peace that passes all human understanding.
I can fill my days with activity. But behind every activity is space...
I can plan my future and take trips. But behind every trip is space...
I can take this one day at a time. But behind every day is space... more space...
That is trust. The space is OK for me.
That is surrender... Lord, the space is ok for me.
Thus the verse... My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Surrender... Surrender... Surrender...
I don't know if I can do this now.
Surrender what? My deepest desires? My heart's longings?
I hang onto them tightly, clutching them with my feeble human strength.
In light of what God commands - to trust - to surrender - I see my "state" and humbly faint at his cross and weep at his feet. I am only dust. I am a sinner. I struggle with the First Commandment - Thou shalt have no other gods. Forgive me Lord and heal my broken soul.
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