The last two years were not weary. And I am not weary of the oddity of relationships.

In fact, I do not consider relationships - romantic ones - odd at all. Truly - They are God's creation. And what I crave has got to be from the heart of the Lord. He even said to me "God created Adam to be with Eve." God knows.

Through the relationship...
I learned to love again. I learned to walk again. I found meaning in life again. What a blessing!

I mattered to someone, I still do.

I carried him and he carried me.

I still care deeply for him and sometimes what gets me through the day is that maybe - He still cares deeply for me.

I miss his laugh, his smell, his hands.

Do I second guess my decision? How many times a day! But ultimately what he said is true. He couldn't give what God commanded. Well, that isn't entirely true. He did give it for awhile. He pulled back though, and that is the weariness maybe he is experiencing - the frustration and confusion. Why did he pull back?

I could say it was because I wasn't good enough for him... And the feelings of devaluing swarm me. I feel like just another girl friend on his -didn't work out - list. But then I repeat what he said to me many times - You are not like any of them. But none-the-less - I am on the same list with the others.

I miss his calls and his name on my email. The late night conversations.

If this isn't "the case" then this must be.... but no answer. The answer? How could we make it work?

I am left to blindly trusting God (Read the post below about trust). That is where the Lord has me - With no evidence or prospects.

But I miss him, terribly. And he may call it things like oddity, weariness, frustration and dismiss it with a hot fudge sundae and an "oh well". But on this side, I struggle and hurt and pray for healing.

I miss him...still