Monday, March 31, 2008
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Poolside
Yep, That's right. Sitting here poolside at the Sheraton in San Diego. The weather is beautiful and the kids are having fun.
The clouds over my emotional state seem to be parting as well. I've had two fairly strong days. Although I'm taking it out on my back. Interesting how we can channel our stress to areas of our body!
Also, remarkably, I've struggled with sleep! But that has a lot to do with the sudden, tragic death of Bobby Brooks. That hit close to home for me and it has consumed my mind.
As I was driving today, I was listening to a song called Majesty. It brought to mind the biblical idea of dying to self and being made new in Christ. It is not my spirit, but Christ's spirit that lives in me. My heart is heavy, I have a pit that pretty much resides in my stomach but all of a sudden, listening to that song, my Spirit wanted to worship.
Did you know that worship means literately - TURN TO GOD. It moved me this Easter to remember that Mary worshiped Jesus when she saw him. Then to learn that worship means TURNED TO GOD. Now I can put myself in Mary's place to a degree. Because for the last 6 years and one month, I've been mourning my husband. And now for 2 weeks and 4 days, I've been mourning a broken relationship. Mary had lost her lord, her love, her friend - Jesus. So when she got to see him - increduously - risen from the dead - she TURNED TO HIM. She gave him her full attention and fell to his feet.
Now let me make a right turn for just a moment and say that what has finally allowed me to sleep these days is a bit of heart-wrench crying and then me imagining myself lying at Jesus feet. There, my soul finds rest.
Back to Mary... If I could be with my dearest Dave after six years apart - I might worship him! In the sense of TURNING TOWARD HIM. It reminds me of the first commandment - Thou shalt have no other Gods. God should always be the object of our worship. But how easily, especially for us woman to TURN TOWARD our man. But isn't that the design in a way? Men are to take care of their wives and wives, submit to their husbands. MEN LOVE YOUR WIVES.
Being alone again, I am BACK WITH GOD. Which is a great place to be. I am accepting it more. My valleys are still before me and I enter the valley every day. But I am having to TURN TOWARD GOD more so than when I was in my relationship. My man filled the gap in so many ways. Gaps and crevasses that were very deep. That is why it was so hard to let go of him.
The relationship that leads to marriage and the relationship of marriage is designed to mimic our relationship with God. God loves us and died for us. Thus we can give our lives to HIM. Woman who are loved and taken care of can give their life to their man.
I felt, maybe it was just my imagination, but I felt I was so close to being back in that wonderful existence of marriage I could taste it.
Some of you laugh.. "Wonderful existence of marriage!!" Ha!
But it is true. And until you've have it ripped out of your hands and had your heart torn apart by death, you will not know.
I am re-reading a book called 'Hinds Feet for High Places" In it, the main character is aspiring to reach the mountain heights and there she will receive "hinds feet" so that she can go to the high places with ease. (yes it is an allegory). But she discovers very early that this is a very difficult journey with two depressing companions - Sorrow and Suffering. She reaches a place in her journey where the shepherd takes her to a road that leads not to, but away from the high places and into a desert. She says this that rings so true for me right now:
"You really mean that I am to follow that path down and down into that wilderness and then over that desert, away from the mountains indefinitely? Why (and there was a sob of anguish in her voice.) it may be months, even years, before that path leads back up to the mountains again!"
Then the Shepherd says, "Much Afraid, do you love me enough to accept the postponement and the apparent contradiction of the promise, and to go down there with me into the desert?"
Then she says eventually, "I will go down there with you into the wilderness, right away from the promise, if you really wish it."
OH WHAT FAITH! And that is exactly what my good shepherd is asking of me. And through tears and anguish of soul, Christ Spirit that lives in my is going down into the wilderness, away from the promise, but with a tiny seed of faith and hope that his promise is still there for me.
And in that frame of mind I WORSHIP HIM - MAJESTY!
The clouds over my emotional state seem to be parting as well. I've had two fairly strong days. Although I'm taking it out on my back. Interesting how we can channel our stress to areas of our body!
Also, remarkably, I've struggled with sleep! But that has a lot to do with the sudden, tragic death of Bobby Brooks. That hit close to home for me and it has consumed my mind.
As I was driving today, I was listening to a song called Majesty. It brought to mind the biblical idea of dying to self and being made new in Christ. It is not my spirit, but Christ's spirit that lives in me. My heart is heavy, I have a pit that pretty much resides in my stomach but all of a sudden, listening to that song, my Spirit wanted to worship.
Did you know that worship means literately - TURN TO GOD. It moved me this Easter to remember that Mary worshiped Jesus when she saw him. Then to learn that worship means TURNED TO GOD. Now I can put myself in Mary's place to a degree. Because for the last 6 years and one month, I've been mourning my husband. And now for 2 weeks and 4 days, I've been mourning a broken relationship. Mary had lost her lord, her love, her friend - Jesus. So when she got to see him - increduously - risen from the dead - she TURNED TO HIM. She gave him her full attention and fell to his feet.
Now let me make a right turn for just a moment and say that what has finally allowed me to sleep these days is a bit of heart-wrench crying and then me imagining myself lying at Jesus feet. There, my soul finds rest.
Back to Mary... If I could be with my dearest Dave after six years apart - I might worship him! In the sense of TURNING TOWARD HIM. It reminds me of the first commandment - Thou shalt have no other Gods. God should always be the object of our worship. But how easily, especially for us woman to TURN TOWARD our man. But isn't that the design in a way? Men are to take care of their wives and wives, submit to their husbands. MEN LOVE YOUR WIVES.
Being alone again, I am BACK WITH GOD. Which is a great place to be. I am accepting it more. My valleys are still before me and I enter the valley every day. But I am having to TURN TOWARD GOD more so than when I was in my relationship. My man filled the gap in so many ways. Gaps and crevasses that were very deep. That is why it was so hard to let go of him.
The relationship that leads to marriage and the relationship of marriage is designed to mimic our relationship with God. God loves us and died for us. Thus we can give our lives to HIM. Woman who are loved and taken care of can give their life to their man.
I felt, maybe it was just my imagination, but I felt I was so close to being back in that wonderful existence of marriage I could taste it.
Some of you laugh.. "Wonderful existence of marriage!!" Ha!
But it is true. And until you've have it ripped out of your hands and had your heart torn apart by death, you will not know.
I am re-reading a book called 'Hinds Feet for High Places" In it, the main character is aspiring to reach the mountain heights and there she will receive "hinds feet" so that she can go to the high places with ease. (yes it is an allegory). But she discovers very early that this is a very difficult journey with two depressing companions - Sorrow and Suffering. She reaches a place in her journey where the shepherd takes her to a road that leads not to, but away from the high places and into a desert. She says this that rings so true for me right now:
"You really mean that I am to follow that path down and down into that wilderness and then over that desert, away from the mountains indefinitely? Why (and there was a sob of anguish in her voice.) it may be months, even years, before that path leads back up to the mountains again!"
Then the Shepherd says, "Much Afraid, do you love me enough to accept the postponement and the apparent contradiction of the promise, and to go down there with me into the desert?"
Then she says eventually, "I will go down there with you into the wilderness, right away from the promise, if you really wish it."
OH WHAT FAITH! And that is exactly what my good shepherd is asking of me. And through tears and anguish of soul, Christ Spirit that lives in my is going down into the wilderness, away from the promise, but with a tiny seed of faith and hope that his promise is still there for me.
And in that frame of mind I WORSHIP HIM - MAJESTY!
Saturday, March 22, 2008
The last two years were not weary. And I am not weary of the oddity of relationships.
In fact, I do not consider relationships - romantic ones - odd at all. Truly - They are God's creation. And what I crave has got to be from the heart of the Lord. He even said to me "God created Adam to be with Eve." God knows.
Through the relationship...
I learned to love again. I learned to walk again. I found meaning in life again. What a blessing!
I mattered to someone, I still do.
I carried him and he carried me.
I still care deeply for him and sometimes what gets me through the day is that maybe - He still cares deeply for me.
I miss his laugh, his smell, his hands.
Do I second guess my decision? How many times a day! But ultimately what he said is true. He couldn't give what God commanded. Well, that isn't entirely true. He did give it for awhile. He pulled back though, and that is the weariness maybe he is experiencing - the frustration and confusion. Why did he pull back?
I could say it was because I wasn't good enough for him... And the feelings of devaluing swarm me. I feel like just another girl friend on his -didn't work out - list. But then I repeat what he said to me many times - You are not like any of them. But none-the-less - I am on the same list with the others.
I miss his calls and his name on my email. The late night conversations.
If this isn't "the case" then this must be.... but no answer. The answer? How could we make it work?
I am left to blindly trusting God (Read the post below about trust). That is where the Lord has me - With no evidence or prospects.
But I miss him, terribly. And he may call it things like oddity, weariness, frustration and dismiss it with a hot fudge sundae and an "oh well". But on this side, I struggle and hurt and pray for healing.
I miss him...still
In fact, I do not consider relationships - romantic ones - odd at all. Truly - They are God's creation. And what I crave has got to be from the heart of the Lord. He even said to me "God created Adam to be with Eve." God knows.
Through the relationship...
I learned to love again. I learned to walk again. I found meaning in life again. What a blessing!
I mattered to someone, I still do.
I carried him and he carried me.
I still care deeply for him and sometimes what gets me through the day is that maybe - He still cares deeply for me.
I miss his laugh, his smell, his hands.
Do I second guess my decision? How many times a day! But ultimately what he said is true. He couldn't give what God commanded. Well, that isn't entirely true. He did give it for awhile. He pulled back though, and that is the weariness maybe he is experiencing - the frustration and confusion. Why did he pull back?
I could say it was because I wasn't good enough for him... And the feelings of devaluing swarm me. I feel like just another girl friend on his -didn't work out - list. But then I repeat what he said to me many times - You are not like any of them. But none-the-less - I am on the same list with the others.
I miss his calls and his name on my email. The late night conversations.
If this isn't "the case" then this must be.... but no answer. The answer? How could we make it work?
I am left to blindly trusting God (Read the post below about trust). That is where the Lord has me - With no evidence or prospects.
But I miss him, terribly. And he may call it things like oddity, weariness, frustration and dismiss it with a hot fudge sundae and an "oh well". But on this side, I struggle and hurt and pray for healing.
I miss him...still
Friday, March 21, 2008
"Ramblings" on the Woman's side
The last few months have been difficult... painful... growing. God has been asking me to condition some muscles that had not been used for a while. And here I am now, back in a lonely place, but finding that I have muscles that I didn't have before and I'm able to get through.
My days are dark, but not black. As before, I can almost always feel the presence of light, even if it is just a flicker. The hard part is to concentrate on the light, rather than feel consumed by the darkness.
Should we trust God? Any Christian knows the answer to that. But what if, when we are looking honestly in the mirror of our soul, we see that we don't trust him that much. Those low times, when life is dark and our souls ache and our heart is sick. What then? Do we lay down the battle of trust and say "I give up!"
I think... yes. We do. Perhaps it is there in the weariness of our soul, that God holds us and says "Yes, I know my dear child". It is there that we weep and find the peace that passes all human understanding.
I can fill my days with activity. But behind every activity is space...
I can plan my future and take trips. But behind every trip is space...
I can take this one day at a time. But behind every day is space... more space...
That is trust. The space is OK for me.
That is surrender... Lord, the space is ok for me.
Thus the verse... My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Surrender... Surrender... Surrender...
I don't know if I can do this now.
Surrender what? My deepest desires? My heart's longings?
I hang onto them tightly, clutching them with my feeble human strength.
In light of what God commands - to trust - to surrender - I see my "state" and humbly faint at his cross and weep at his feet. I am only dust. I am a sinner. I struggle with the First Commandment - Thou shalt have no other gods. Forgive me Lord and heal my broken soul.
My days are dark, but not black. As before, I can almost always feel the presence of light, even if it is just a flicker. The hard part is to concentrate on the light, rather than feel consumed by the darkness.
Should we trust God? Any Christian knows the answer to that. But what if, when we are looking honestly in the mirror of our soul, we see that we don't trust him that much. Those low times, when life is dark and our souls ache and our heart is sick. What then? Do we lay down the battle of trust and say "I give up!"
I think... yes. We do. Perhaps it is there in the weariness of our soul, that God holds us and says "Yes, I know my dear child". It is there that we weep and find the peace that passes all human understanding.
I can fill my days with activity. But behind every activity is space...
I can plan my future and take trips. But behind every trip is space...
I can take this one day at a time. But behind every day is space... more space...
That is trust. The space is OK for me.
That is surrender... Lord, the space is ok for me.
Thus the verse... My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Surrender... Surrender... Surrender...
I don't know if I can do this now.
Surrender what? My deepest desires? My heart's longings?
I hang onto them tightly, clutching them with my feeble human strength.
In light of what God commands - to trust - to surrender - I see my "state" and humbly faint at his cross and weep at his feet. I am only dust. I am a sinner. I struggle with the First Commandment - Thou shalt have no other gods. Forgive me Lord and heal my broken soul.
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